It’s 3:06 am
And you are slowly crawling
To the center of my thoughts.
I keep you in the corners of my brain
For a reason, I hate when you’re the
Only thing that’s on my mind.
I want to throw you up
I want to spill every memory I have with
You out of my body
I don’t want to cry when you crawl out
From the depths of my mind
I don’t want to think of you
I don’t want to miss you.
I’m sick of thinking of you
Just to feel something again.

I’m just sitting here..
I’m just here staring at myself in this mirror
I’m just sitting here trying to feel something
I can’t
I don’t know what to feel
I don’t know what’s going on around me
I’m not lost
I’m just here
Everything is a blur
I spend my days waiting for something to happen
Not realizing that it’s been 20 years
18 years of doing everything I’ve been told to do
To end up here..
Almost 20 waiting for something to happen
It’s so strange not having anything to do
Or having to think of things to do for myself
I’m just here not feeling anything
And I’ve felt so much last year
I’m scared of it being gone.

I’m not really sad
I’m just very tired.
You don’t affect me much at all
I just need attention and kindness.

I would’ve loved you
I would’ve made you so happy.

I miss you
I can’t help but remember those first nights we spent together and how sweet it was and just holding your hand was amazing and I wish we could talk about it more and I wish I didn’t care and I wish you did.

You are such an incredible person and honestly no one has ever impacted my life like you did.
No one has ever made me feel like you have that goes both ways bad and good. I regret so much ever giving myself to you and I regret so much thinking you could possibly feel the same way for me even the slightest bit of affection. You control my emotions you have the power to make me weak at the knees, whenever I hear, speak, or think of you I panic, my body goes numb, my hands begin to shake, my stomach is at my feet.. And I hate it so much. I’m so fucked in the head, ever since you kissed me. I tell myself I hate you, I tell myself I’ll be fine, that I’ll forget you but there you are, in the corners of my head, in every song I play, in everyone I see. Why you? Why did you have to be the one to impact my life so much? Please leave please go away please don’t be. I’m so tired of writing words for you, I’m so tired of not feeling my body. I don’t want you but I feel like I need you. You are my happiness yet my unhappiness. I don’t want either. I don’t want to feel anymore . I don’t want you to exist in this world. I can’t stop seeing your smile in my head, I can’t stop replaying those moments I thought were so precious, I can’t stop thinking I love you. Everything was a figment of my imagination, everything you felt wasn’t real. Stop stop stop stop stop STOP I can’t I’m sorry I can’t stop hurting myself I’m so sorry.

It is starting again.
This sadness is still here.
I don’t want it back
I want it gone.

Do I try too hard?
Am I doing it wrong?
This thing socializing..
I’m not sure how others do it.
I get so anxious
And suddenly everything
That is ugly about me pops up.
“Do they think I’m ugly because I’m fat?”
“Do they think my laugh is too
“What if I’m talking too much?”
“What if I’m not talking enough and they think I’m strange??!?”
“Do they actually enjoy my company or are they just being nice?”
I try to be nice and like-able
I want to make new friends
I want to know things about you
But maybe I’m just not
Meant to have friends..
I’m just a hermit trying to leave it’s shell
But the world is scary
People are mean
And hurtful.
They are dishonest
And I am breaking down in my bed
At 3 am still wanting their love.

Did this ever happen?
We’re you ever really there next
To me?
Did you really truly kiss my lips?
Because I am in constant struggle of realizing that these things were a reality.

Love letters that I’ll never send..

Getting a reply would be really nice since I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m sorry I’m so shy and boring when I’m around you
but I just can’t help it.
I like you so much and when you let me kiss you
I feel so happy
because I get to kiss such a beautiful human face..
And when you talk I just can’t help but smile
or I.. I just I can’t even put it into words
because I like you so much.
Just the thought of you brings all these weird feelings in my stomach
and my legs go numb when I hear your name
and I just wish I had your fingers wrapped around mine again
because I am so happy when it’s just me and you
saying nothing but holding each other.
And I’m so sorry if these feelings I have are too much
because I know you don’t feel
anything that’s even slightly the same about me.
But please let me just have this.
Please pretend with me.