I’m lying in my old bed
In my old room
And I’m trying to remember how
It felt to be here
In this place
All alone all the time.
I shared so much with the pink walls
That are now blue.
So many tears and screams
Have been released from my
Body in this room.
I can’t find it.
That feeling I’m looking for
It’s gone, it is no longer a part
Of me.
I do not feel weird here,
I do not feel nostalgic
I do not feel sad..
I feel nothing.
I’ve slept on so many different places the past year that this bed
Is simply a bed now.
I can’t feel what I felt
Winter of 2012, and part of me
Is okay with that..
But part of me longs for the
Sadness that I carried
To this bed every night.

No one cares.
Everyone has their own life and problems.
I’ve been back for 3 weeks
And no one has asked me how I feel.
I need that, I need a heart to heart.
I don’t feel. I am lost
I am confused.
I’m just living through the motions.
I don’t want to be here.
My head hurts and all I want is
My mom to walk in through that door
And kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
But nothing is.

sp00kygrrrl:

I like thinking.
And my thoughts;
They are the purest
Of me.

Listen/purchase: Narco by Love Interest

sp00kygrrrl:

Being back is really bad for me.
my friends are bad for me.
I am bad for me.
I arrived sunday, I saw my family for less than 5 hours 
Then decided to leave to go and do drugs with my friends.
its been a week and I feel so… so alone, so confused
I miss my dad and I’ve been doing really bad.
I want to be with my friends
but I need to be with my family, but its so fucking hard to
go back to them when they don’t even want you back.. because their lives are much more simple without me there.
I don’t want to be here.. I am afraid and alone and losing myself day by day.
But there is no one else that wants me
and I am too afraid to go out there and want myself.

Theres this drawing 
I have of you in my journal,
I drew it while you slept close by
one night
and even though 
my drawing skills aren’t very good
I can still make out your face.
And everytime I come across it
a smile is plastered on my lips
and my heart hurts a bit
because you’ll never feel
they way I felt for you that September night.

I’ve started smoking
ciggarettes, its disgusting 
and hypocritical.
Even the disgust for myself makes
me think of you
and the ciggarettes too.
You don’t like tobacco and
you said you liked my body
therefore I should learn to love myself
but I ended up loving small conversations
and meaningless sex 
that I wish I could take back but
the past is the past
and time isn’t in my favor.. hell it doesn’t even exist.

Being in love with the idea of you
is really quite annoying.
I constantly miss you
but then I rememeber
its just the moments I got
to spend with you that I miss.
But oh how I wish I was lying naked 
in your arms again. 
I don’t really have much to say nor
do I have much inspiration to this post 
I guess I just really miss you is all.

All these feelings I have
aren’t things I have sparked up.
People make me feel things
I am tired of this.
I want to know how I feel,
how the person I am makes 
me feel..
But I am lost when confronted with this
subject because
I do not know who I am
and part of me does not care
to know who I am.
Because to everyone else I am merely 
human scum. 
That said alone should make me
want to know
but I think I’ll just give up…
eventually 
soon
now.

I no longer have the desire to sleep
it is such a waste, but so are the countless
hours I spend with you in mind,
I no longer have the desire to sleep
because all I want are your legs
intertwined with mine
and your lips on my neck.
I want your eyes on mine
I want your voice to tell me
how good I make you feel and how much
you enjoy the sounds I make.
I no longer have the desire to feel
but I have the desire to be wanted and
to be wanted by you..
thats something no words could describe.